I Miss James Bond

Bond, James Bond. The name used to conjure up images of a super-spy. A suave gentleman, wearing a tux. Surrounded by women so hot & sexy, you would leave your loved ones behind forever for a shot at one night with them. A spy who used gadgets, cars loaded with goodies like machine guns or oil slicks. It conjured up images of villains with quirks, unique to anything we've seen in any other movie or television show. Yes, James Bond, secret agent 007 who, in a span of 20 films, thrilled us like no other spy ever has before or since.

You may ask, "Aren't there 22 James Bond movies?" Answer: Yes & No. You see James Bond died with the appearance of this man.

I don't know who this man, but he is not James Bond. This man is not suave. He doesn't shake his martinis. He doesn't use gadgets. He doesn't use his brain. He doesn't do anything that James Bond does. You see, I've seen James Bond before. And this man, is no James Bond.

The role of James Bond has gone to 5 people before they decided to kill off the character who was voted the 2nd best character in the history of movies (2nd only behind Indiana Jones). In order there was:

Sean Connery

Sean Connery was the first to jump into the shoes of Ian Flemming's creation on the big screen. He was good looking, suave, athletic & most important, he could act too. The first film was "Dr. No", where many James Bond firsts happened. He said his famous, "Bond, James Bond." line. He started his wise cracks with lines like, "I think they were on their way to a funeral." He had his martinis, "Shaken, not stirred." And he was definitely suave with the ladies. By the second movie, "From Russia With Love", we were introduced to his gadgets & Q, the man behind them. And Bond was on his way. The first film was getting a feel & by the second, Bond was perfect. Sean Connery is Bond. Unfortunately, he didn't stay with the franchise. He left after his fourth film & then came back for the sixth official film, only to leave again after that one. He did come back in 1983 to do an unofficial Bond film called, "Never Say Never Again.", in which he proved he could still play Bond years after he should have been able to.

Next up was George Lazenby

George has the distinction of being the only one to play Bond once on the big screen (unless you count the original Casino Royale). Ian Flemming himself said that Lazenby looked most like what he envisioned Bond to really look like. The movie he was in, "On Her Majesty's Secret Service" was a very good Bond movie. Lazenby played Bond a lot like Connery did. It's kind of a shame that Lazenby only played Bond once. I would have liked to see him in a few more. But since it was Connery who replaced him, I'm fine with it.

Next was Roger Moore

Roger Moore played a spy in the British shows "The Saint" & "The Persuaders". When he became available, he took over the role of Bond. His first film, "Live & Let Die", was one of the best Bond films ever. As the series went on, Roger played Bond a bit less serious. He used more gadgets, he used more "punchlines", but he was still Bond. Roger did 7 Bond films, making him the actor who played Bond the most, unless you count "Never Say Never Again", which would tie him with Connery. In any case, Bond was alive & well. But, next came Timothy Dalton

Now, when Dalton came along, they decided to change Bond a bit. And the way they did it, was to make Bond keep his prick in his pants. Yes, Bond didn't have sex in the two Dalton movies. However, Dalton's Bond was still Bond, even with this change. But still, Bond fans complained about this minor change in the character & Dalton was gone after two films. True, he was only there until Pierce Brosnan was done with his stint on TV as Remington Steele.

So along come Brosnan

Brosnan was everything Bond is supposed to be. Suave, slick, quick with the wit. He used gadgets & had some crazy-ass vehicles, filled with all sort of gadgetry. But, here is where the Bond series started to go downhill. But, it had nothing to do with Brosnan. The first problem was they decided to make "M", the head of MI-6, a woman. Okay, Judi Dench is a great actress. But to see Bond play opposite a woman who was in charge was not natural. She complained about everything Bond did. Everything that made Bond, Bond. You knew trouble was coming in the series when you heard her call Bond a dinosaur. Word is Dench wants to leave the series, but they won't let her go. Even she knows Bond is no longer Bond. The other problem was bad writing. With none of the books to work off of, the movie makers had to come up with their own ideas. Their own villains, plots, gadgets. And this lead to just making some of the worst films in the series. I can honestly say that "The World is Not Enough" & "Die Another Day" are the two worst Bond movies ever made.

So, what happens when Bond can no longer be Bond & be good? Well, you just end the series, right? Wrong. Hollywood doesn't have any new ideas. Hasn't for quite some time. We can't let the 2nd greatest character in film history die with dignity. We must make him re-born! We must take everything that made Bond, Bond & take it away. We must start fresh, forget everything that happened before. Take the 40 years of greatness & treat it like shit. Take the iconic image of Bond & do the complete opposite. So, the first thing they do is get a blond, muscle-bound, muscle-headed dunce. They make Moneypenny, MI-6's secretary a man. They bring Felix Lighter back from the dead & change him into a Dominican. We get it, change EVERYTHING!


Okay, so let's go through it again & compare this time.

Connery: Suave, smart, quick-witted, gadgets, babes, vehicles, shaken not stirred martinis, Bond
Craig: None of the above

Lazenby: Looked like Bond
Craig: Didn't look like Bond

Moore: Less serious, more "punchlines"
Craig: More serious, no "punchlines"

Dalton: Slight change
Craig: Complete change

Brosnan: Change of the Bond world, slightly
Craig: Complete change of the Bond world

Craig's Bond hasn't one iota of the Bond character in him. His world is completely different & Bond himself has become a brute. An uncharismatic bore. A Bond that doesn't use gadgets or his head for that matter. He doesn't like his martini's shaken. Bond villains that are no more memorable than any villain from any other spy movie. There is nothing left of Bond or the Bond world to consider them Bond movies. They play more like a Jason Bourne movie, full of action, but no substance.

And it is because of this, as a Bond fan, that I cannot consider Daniel Craig to be Bond. If you're going to pretend that this is Bond, but forget everything that happened before, then it is a new Bond. A shit Bond. A Bond I could care less about. If there had never been a Bond before & these were the first movies, then I couldn't care less about the character & he would just fade into the back of my brain, where all the other shitty action characters would go. Because that is what "Bond" has become. A shitty action character. Devoid of any personality.

And so, I say again, "I miss James Bond." I wish he were still with us. You see, he died back in 2002. And it's sad to say, he'll never be back. But they do say, "Never say never."