How To Make a Bullshit Ghost Hunting Show

We all know that those ghost hunting shows are bullshit, right? Oh, you don't know... Hmmmmm. Well, maybe I can convince you that they are. In fact, maybe I can teach you how to fool others, just like every one of those shows does & make some money doing it to others. 16 simple rules you can use to "Make Your Own Bullshit Ghost Hunting Show".

1. Always shoot at night, in the dark, with night-vision cameras.
The main thing you want to do when creating a ghost show is to scare people. Sure, you can hide behind the guise that you're doing it for scientific reasons to prove the existence of ghosts. But you know damn well the watchers are just looking to be scared. And how scary is it to shoot during daylight? So be sure to tell your audience that they say ghosts are more active during night time hours & in total darkness. This will give you the excuse of shooting in the dark with night-vision cameras, which will give you the spookiness you're looking for. And speaking of the people who tell you that ghosts are more active during night time hours....

2. Always use "They" as explanations for everything.
"They" say ghosts come out in the dark. "They" say an EMF detector can detect ghosts. "They" say you can record ghost voices on tape. "They" say ghosts use our energy to manifest themselves. And so on & so forth. Who are "They"? It can be anyone you want it to be, as long as you're passing along the idea that what you're doing is actually doing something.

3. Interview people before you hunt.
Chances are if you interview people at a place that they think is haunted, they will have at least one ghostly experience to tell you about. Interview a bunch of people who live(d)/work(ed) there & you'll be loaded with an arsenal of ideas that you can use during your hunt. Listen to the story of how a woman was beaten & tortured & finally killed in a certain room & later, you'll catch an EVP (electronic voice phenomena) of a woman's voice or scream in the same room. And by catch, I mean fake. Listen to another person tell you of how they felt an unseen entity grab their arm & later, your arm gets "grabbed". So simple. The person you interview may also give you names of people who have died in the place, giving you a name that can magically appear on one of your EVP recordings. This also takes away the task of actually coming up with your own ghost or the embarrassment of coming up with a ghost of a person that never existed.

4. Give suggestions to the people you interview as well.
This goes along with #3. While interviewing people, throw out suggestions to them like, "Were you ever hit with a thrown object?" or "Were you ever touched?" This actually gives suggestions to the people you're interviewing to make up stories of experiences, thus giving you more ideas for your "ghosts".

5. "Feel" the ghost's presence.
Since the watcher cannot feel any of the energy or temperature changes that supposedly happen during ghost encounters, it's easy to just say you're feeling such things. "Whoah! Right here it's very cold! You know they say that when a ghost manifests, it gets very cold!" Yeah, throw in another "They" to make it sound more official. Well, as official as ghost hunting can be. It's also very simple to give someone a suggestion that an area has gotten cold. Sometimes ghost hunters will use this while interviewing the people mentioned in #3 & #4. I've actually done this myself during a visit to a "haunted" building during a ghost tour. I was in a group of about 20 people in a room, listening to the "psychic" tell us stories of the people who have died in the room & pointing towards a window I was sitting next to telling the room that people have actually seen a face at this window, even though we were on the second floor. After her bullsh...I mean stories, she asked the party to move into the next room. At this point, I started to pass my hand around the chair I was just sitting on. I said, "Wow! It's really cold here!" I pointed at a couple that were sitting on the other side of the window & said, "Feel this! Wow! It's cold!" They came over & started to pass their hands through the air above the chair. "Whoah! It is cold!" they both said. After a few seconds, I said to them. "Actually, I was just kidding. I wanted to show you the power of suggestion. I apologize if I offended you." And they said, "No, it really is cold here! Feel it!" I passed my hand through & there was no coldness. Yet, they felt it.

6. Get "feelings" or even "possessed".
This goes along with #5, but instead of feeling a physical change, it's a psychological change. This may be the easiest way to fake a spirit. All it takes is a bit of acting. Walk into a room & suddenly feign a headache coming on. Crouch down & start to feel a great sadness overcome you or have a great anger come over you, causing you to punch the wall. Punching hard enough to draw blood is even better. This proves you weren't acting in your right mind, right?

Some hunters will go as far as to become "possessed". This is a little harder & needs a little more studying up on the place you're hunting at & requires better acting skills. British "psychic" Derek Acorah was fairly good at being "possessed". The British "medium" would get possessed by a spirit almost every episode of the show "Most Haunted". And he would have gotten away with it, if not for the meddling show host Yvette Fielding & supposed parapsychologist Ciaran O'Keeffe. See Yvette & Derek started to hate each other. Yvette wanted Derek off the show. So what better way to do it, than to prove Derek a fake. So Ciaran set up the name of a supposed person who died in the place they were going to visit next. The name was "Kreed Kafer" an anagram of "faker Derek". And when Derek was "possessed" by this fake spirit, it sealed his fate & he left the show. This was genius on the part of Fielding, as proving fakes makes her fakes seem real. Which brings us to #7.

7. Sometimes, don't find anything.
It's very simple. If you find something all the time, people will think you're faking it. I don't think there's an official ratio as to how many places are to be haunted as opposed to places not haunted. I would say it should be around 6 to 1. For every 6 haunted places, have 1 non-haunted place. This will make the situations where you "find" something seem more plausible. It also gives some validity to your "scientific" equipment. And that brings us to #8.

8. Use equipment not designed for ghost hunting to "prove" the existence of ghosts.
EMF detectors are designed to find invisible electro-magnetic fields. Finding these fields is great for finding areas in a household where these fields can interfere with other electronic equipment. Everything gives off electro-magnetic fields. Some stronger than others. And these fields can fluctuate from strong to weak all the time. Nature itself gives off these fields. But explain to the audience that "They" say ghosts give off these fields & that nothing in the area of the place you're at can give off these fields, while holding $3000 worth of electronic equipment. Other pieces of equipment you can use are laser thermometers, because "They" say ghosts can lower temperatures, an infra-red or ultra-violet camera, because "They" say ghosts appear in these waves of the spectrum. Or a thermal camera, because "They" say that ghosts can appear as a different temperature in an area. Usually they appear warmer than the surrounding air. Shhhh, don't tell them they're supposed to be colder. Speaking of equipment...

9. Always use digital recording.
The greatest recording medium for ghost hunting is digital. Why? Because it's compressed. Bring some real shitty black & white static cameras & record it on security camera quality recorders & you can catch all sorts of stuff. See, when you're recording in digital you get lovely changing pixels all over your screen, especially in the dark areas, but sometimes even the areas that are too bright. Perfect for ghost recordings. These areas are called artifacts. When using lower quality recordings, digital recorders can't process the darks, as they are called, and fill in these areas with what the processors think should appear there, using surrounding areas as reference. This cause all sorts of wonderful shapes & movements. All of which can be called ghosts, if you want. And if you want to have a successful bullshit ghost hunting show, you do.

10. "Suggest" what EVPs are saying by putting text on your screen.
Speaking of recordings, ghost hunters like to use EVPs to prove the existence of ghosts. One show, "Ghost Adventures" relies on EVPs for 99% of their "proof". EVP is short for electronic voice phenomenon. It's the recoding of spirit voices. Back in the 50s, EVPs were believed to just be recordings of energy left behind by the dead. But now a days, EVPs are said to be actual answers by intelligent ghosts responding to questions or situations given to them by the hunters themselves. No matter where you are, if you record sound, there will always be background noises. Whether this be from breathing of the hunter & the crew, creaking from doors or settling of houses, outside animals & traffic, you will always catch noises. So, what do you do when you catch the sound of a creaking door? Flash up on the screen "strange unidentified woman screaming". Catch a heavy sigh of your breath, flash up "demonic breathing". Step on a loose board & it sounds like "Brrreeeeearrrrrrrr", flash up "Burn in Hell". You get the idea. Putting these words up on the screen while playing the noise will suggest to the watcher that the noise is what you say it is. People are easily fooled, use it to your advantage. And if you want to fool them even more...

11. Create your own ghosts.
Besides "catching" ghosts by EVP noises & shitty digital recordings, you can also create your own! EVPs can be created on spot by whispering. Whispers cannot be recognized as a specific person, which is why it's perfect to whisper when calling in that ransom call or for creating ghostly EVPs. Hell, you can even whisper without moving your lips, like a ventriloquist. Try it now. See? So what if it doesn't sound exactly like what you're saying? You got the power of text on the screen to tell the audience what they're hearing. As for ghostly images, this may even be done unintentionally. When cameras are set up all over an area, especially ones with infra-red beams shooting all over the place, it's easy for your shadow to appear as a ghostly image. And if all else fails, you can add these things later. After all, the show is not live. It's recorded. It's so easy to be on-site & say, "Did you hear that?" & later on your computer, add a voice saying, "Hey you! Get outta my kitchen!" And speaking of doing a live show...

12. Never do a live show.
Most ghost shows make this mistake. Usually on Halloween night, you can catch either "The Ghost Hunters" or "Ghost Adventures" airing a special live show. During these shows, they will always catch something. You know why? Because they're faking it. Now, you would think that having a live show & catching something live would prove what their doing is worth the their time & not wasting yours. But, what usually happens is they usually get caught faking on these shows. Avid skeptics will watch these shows & study it & I'd say more than half the times, catch the hunters fakery. One prime example is the show "Ghost Hunters", which airs on the SCIENCE-FICTION channel. This should be your first tip. But during one of their live shows, the two main hosts were caught setting up a hoax, on camera, where one of the host's jacket would look like it was being pulled backwards by an unseen hand. Later in the episode, a celebrity guest hears the host's earpieces where the show's producer was giving them instructions on their next hoax. The celebrity said he heard a strange voice. Knowing they were caught, the hosts played it off like he wasn't hearing anything, but it was too late. In fact, the TV microphones themselves were sensitive enough to hear the producer's voice through the earpieces. So, while having a live show can be good, it can also backfire. It's best to avoid them all together.

13. Use "psychics" & other Paranormal Investigators.
Look, they all know it's bullshit, so they're going to play along with you. You can give them suggestions, just like the people you interviewed earlier & they'll not only go along, they may even give you some suggestions themselves. It's a win-win situation. Also, by having other "experts" along with you, it gives your bullshit a little more validity.

14. Make noises & throw small objects.
This is so easy, a caveman can do it. Sorry to remind you of those horrible commercials. When investigating a "haunted" place, it'll be easy to find small rocks all around the crumbling place. Just pick a few up here & there. When it gets too quiet or boring, throw one. Make sure not to film the rock, as that will show it came from you. Just throw it behind you or to the side or hit your friend in the leg. No matter where it lands, it'll make some noise & you can act like it almost hit you or whatever kind of scary nonsense you can make up. Even better, if you can find maybe a 2 by 4 piece of wood & toss it into an adjoining room, it'll make a hell of a lot of noise. Bring lots of fishing line & pull objects over & onto the floor. Whatever can make noise will work best.

15. Play spooky music or weird sounds.
This will make any situation seem more haunted than it really is. If you play circus music, no one will be scared (unless it's scary circus music). And nothing will creep people out, more than weird sounds. Some people will even think the sounds are coming from the place itself.

16. Never admit orbs are dust.
This is the final step for creating a great bullshit ghost hunting show. Orbs. Orbs are said to be a spirit in ball form. They appear in pictures & on video. They float through the air & move around. They appear & disappear in thin air. And, they're all dust. A ghost hunters best friend is dust. And why shouldn't it be? It can be passed off as a ghost. Once again, digital cameras will help you with orbs as orbs appear mostly with digital photography. Now, here's the trick. Trying to convince your orbs are not dust. You would think it's hard to do this, but it's fairly easy. Just like #7, sometimes don't find anything, you show some orbs, but tell people it's dust. Make up some nonsense explanation that dust moves in a straight line or that it's always visible, then show another film, showing a lone piece of dust & explain how it's movement is different, even though it's the same. Shooting in the dark with night-vision is great too, as the invisible light that the camera gives off, doesn't cover all of the area you're filming. Thus, when a piece of dust comes into that light, from the dark edges or far area of the room, it'll appear as if it manifested from thin air. And when it exits the light, you can say the spirit has just disappeared.

Well, I hope this guide helps you. I'm sure if you do create a show, it'll get picked up. Every time you turn around, there's another one on some channel that has nothing to do with ghosts. I think there's even an animal-ghost show on Animal Channel now. Apparently people watch these shows a lot. Hell, I even watch a couple of them for entertainment value only (well, and to write an entry for my blog too). The sad thing is I know that most people watching these shows believe in ghosts. But like I said before, people are easily fooled. Instead of being fooled, be a fooler. There are no such things as psychics, there are no such things as ghost hunters, & there certainly are no such things as ghosts.

Unknown TV theme song lyrics

Remember when TV shows used to have theme songs? Remember the ones you could sing along to? Shows like Gilligan's Island, The Brady Bunch & I Dream of Jeannie? What? You don't know the words to I Dream of Jeannie? Well, most people don't. I'm listing here a bunch of TV shows with theme song lyrics that most people don't even know exist! Since I mentioned Jeannie first:

I DREAM OF JEANNIE

Jeannie, fresh as a daisy.
Just love how she obeys me,
Does things that just amaze me so.

She smiles, Presto the rain goes.
She blinks, up come the rainbows.
Cars stop, even the train goes slow.

When she goes by
She paints sunshine on every rafter,
Sprinkles the air with laughter,
We're close as a quarter after three.

There's no one like

Jeannie. I'll introduce her,
To you, but it's no use, sir,
Cause my Jeannie's in love with me.

Notes: Love how she obeys me? Sexist much?

Andy Griffith Show

Well, now, take down your fishin' pole and meet me at The Fishin' Hole,
We may not get a bite all day, but don't you rush away.

What a great place to rest your bones and mighty fine for skippin' stones,
You'll feel fresh as a lemonade, a-settin' in the shade.

Whether it's hot, whether it's cool, oh what a spot for whistlin' like a fool.

What a fine day to take a stroll and wander by The Fishin' Hole,
I can't think of a better way to pass the time o' day.

We'll have no need to call the roll when we get to The Fishin' Hole,
There'll be you, me, and Old Dog Trey, to doodle time away.

If we don't hook a perch or bass, we'll cool our toes in dewy grass,
Or else pull up a weed to chaw, and maybe set and jaw.

Hangin' around, takin' our ease, watchin' that hound a-scratchin' at his fleas.

Come on, take down your fishin' pole and meet me at The Fishin' Hole,
I can't think of a better way to pass the time o' day.

Notes: I guess whistling is for fools or something.

Bewitched

Bewitched, Bewitched,
You've got me in your spell.
Bewitched, Bewitched,
You know your craft so well.
Before I knew what I was doing
I looked in your eyes
That brand of woo you've been brewin'
Took me by surprise.

You witch, you witch,
One thing is for sure.
That stuff you pitch
Just hasn't got a cure.
My heart was under lock and key,
But somehow it got unhitched.
I never thought that I could be had
But now I'm caught and I'm kinda glad
To be Bewitched.

Notes: I actually have a sung version by Peggy Lee. Pretty cool!

Bonanza

We got a right to pick a little fight
Bonanza!
If anyone fights anyone of us
He's gotta fight with me!

We're not a one to saddle up and run,
Bonanza!
Anyone of us who starts a little fuss
knows he can count on me!

One for four
Four for one,
This we guarantee.

We got a right to pick a little fight
Bonanza!
If anyone fights anyone of us
He's gotta fight with me!

Notes: To see someone sing this, check out John Leguizamo in "The Pest".

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Now, this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I liked to take a minute
Just sit right there
I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air

In west Philadelphia born and raised
On the playground was where I spent most of my days
Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool
And all shootin some b-ball outside of the school
When a couple of guys
Who were up to no good
Startin making trouble in my neighborhood
I got in one little fight and my mom got scared
She said 'You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air'

I begged and pleaded with her day after day
But she packed my suit case and sent me on my way
She gave me a kiss and then she gave me my ticket.
I put my walkman on and said, 'I might as well kick it'.

First class, yo this is bad
Drinking orange juice out of a champagne glass.
Is this what the people of Bel-Air Living like?
Hmmmmm this might be alright.

But wait I hear there're prissy, wine all that
Is Bel-Air the type of place they send this cool cat?
I don't think so
I'll see when I get there
I hope they're prepared for the prince of Bel-Air

Well, the plane landed and when I came out
There was a dude who looked like a cop standing there with my name out
I ain't trying to get arrested
I just got here
I sprang with the quickness like lightning, disappeared

I whistled for a cab and when it came near
The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror
If anything I can say this cab is rare
But I thought 'Now forget it' - 'Yo homes to Bel Air'

I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8
And I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo homes smell ya later'
I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there
To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air

Notes: This is the full theme song. The only time the whole song was played was during the first three episodes. Try to catch it on re-runs.

Hogan's Heroes

Heroes, heroes, husky men of war,
Sons of all the heroes, of the war before.
We're all heroes up to our ear o's
You ask questions
We make suggestions
That's what we're heroes for.

All good heroes love a good, big fight
Open up the bomb bays and brighten up the night.
We applaud the people who laud us,
You pull the roses,
We punch the noses,
That's what we're heroes for.

What's a hero do?
Well, we're not gonna tell ya
Cause we wish we knew.
That's why we heroes are so few.
We've got a slogan
From Colonel Hogan
And Colonel Hogan's a hero too.

Never flinch, boys, never be afraid,
Heroes are not born, boys, heroes are made.
Ask not why, boys, never say die, boys,
Answer the call, remember we'll all be heroes forever more.

Notes: Apparently heroes are husky. That's a nice way of saying fat.

I Love Lucy

There's a certain couple that I know.
They're strictly lovebirds,
A pair of turtle dove birds.
He's a guy who wants the world to know.
So ev'ry day
You'll hear him say

I Love Lucy and she loves me,
We're as happy as two can be,
sometimes we quarrel but then again
How we love making up again.

Lucy kisses like no one can,
She's my missus and I'm her man;
And life is heaven you see
Cause I Love Lucy
Yes I Love Lucy
and Lucy loves me.

Notes: Desi Arnaz sings this in one of the episodes.

Leave it to Beaver

Hey! Here they come with a rum-tee tum they're having a toy parade.
A tin giraffe with a fife and drum is leading the kewpie parade.
A gingham cat in a soldier's hat is waving a Chinese fan,
A plastic clown in a wedding gown is dancing with Raggedy Ann.

Fee fie fiddle dee dee they're crossing the living room floor
Fee fie fiddle dee dee they're up to the dining room door.

They call a halt for a choc'late malt or cookies and lemonade
Then off they go with a ho ho ho right back to their toy brigade.

Notes: I guess when you think toys, you think Beaver.

My Favorite Martian

He's a man from Mars
on Earth to take a look
He can read your mind
just like an open book - Yes!

He's a man from Mars
and he's extremely clever
Brilliant & kind
in every endeavor - for instance

"any dog can hear me
on Mars or here
And don't get too near me
or I'll make you disappear!"

Notes: Once in a while, they'll play a sung version of this on The Howard Stern Show, as they call one of their crew (Mr. Fred Norris) the Man From Mars.

The Odd Couple

No matter where they go
They are known as the couple.
They're never seen alone
So they're known as the couple.

As I've indicated
They are never quite separated,
They are peas in a pod.
Don't you think that it's odd.

Their habits, I confess
None can guess with the couple.
If one says no it's yes
more or less, with the couple.

But they're laugh provoking;
Yet they really don't know they're joking.
Don't you find
When love is blind
It's kind of odd.

Notes: A little homosexual undertones in these lyrics, eh?

Star Trek

Beyond the rim of the starlight,
my love is wandring in star flight.
I know he'll find
In star clustered reaches
Love, strange love
A starwoman teaches.

I know his journey ends never.
His Star Trek will go on forever.
But tell him while
He wanders his starry sea,
Remember,
Remember me.

Notes: Gene Roddenberry (the creator of the show) wrote these "never to be used" lyrics, so he can get half the royalties of the theme song. These also may be the worst theme song lyrics ever written. Yes, worse than My Mother the Car.

Buck Rogers

Far beyond the world I've known, Far beyond my time
What am I, who am I, what will I be? Where am I going, and what will I see?

Notes: These lyrics can be heard at the end credits of the original theatrical release of Buck Rogers. In re-runs, it can be heard for the first three episodes.

The Munsters

When you are walking down the street at night
And behind you there's no one in view.
But you hear mysterious feet at night,
Then the Munsters are following you.

If you should meet this strange family
Just forget what some people have said,
The Munsters may shake your hand clammily
But they're not necessarily dead.

Behind their house you mustn't be afraid
To see a figure digging with a spade.
Perhaps someone didn't quite make the grade
With the Munsters, with the Munsters.

If when you're sleeping you dream a lot,
Ghoulish nightmares parade through your head,
And then you wake up and scream a lot,
Oh the Munsters are under your bed.

At midnight if creatures should prowl about,
And if vampires and vultures swoop down.
And werewolves and fiends shriek and howl about,
Oh the Munsters are out on the town.

One night I dared peak through their window screen,
My hair turned white at such a crazy scene.
Because every evening its Halloween
At the Munsters,
At the Munsters.

Notes: I'm scared!

Hawaii 5-0

If you get in trouble, bring it home to me
Whether I am near you, or across the sea.
I will think of something to do.
I'll be on the lookout for you.
And I'll find you — you can count on me.

Notes: I will find you!

M*A*S*H*

Through early morning fog I see visions of the things to be
The pains that are withheld for me I realize and I can see . . .
That suicide is painless it brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please.

I try to find a way to make all our little joys relate
Without that ever-present hate but now I know that it's too late,

and . . .That suicide is painless it brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please.

The game of life is hard to play. I'm gonna lose it anyway.

The losing card I'll someday lay so this is all I have to say.

That suicide is painless it brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please.

The only way to win is cheat and lay it down before I'm beat,

and to another give my seat for that's the only painless feat.

That suicide is painless it brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please.

The sword of time will pierce our skins it doesn't hurt when it begins

But as it works its way on in the pain grows stronger . . . watch it grin, but . . .
That suicide is painless it brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please.

A brave man once requested me to answer questions that are key
'Is it to be or not to be' and I replied 'oh why ask me?'
That suicide is painless it brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please.
And you can do the same thing if you choose.

Notes: Can be heard in the movie M*A*S*H*

The Flying Nun

Who needs wings to fly?
Certainly not I,
I prefer to take up on the breeze,
Follow any swallow that may please my fancy.

I just close my eyes,
Tiptoe through the skies,
Long as there's a habit standing by,
Who needs things like wings to fly?

Notes: Wouldn't it be awesome if Godzilla Zapped the nun out of the sky?

The Dick Van Dyke Show

So you think that you've got trouble?
Well, trouble's a bubble,
So tell old Mr. Trouble to get lost.

Why not hold your head up high and,
Stop cryin', start tryin',
And don't forget to keep your fingers crossed.

When you find the joy of livin'
Is lovin' and givin'
You'll be there when the winning dice are tossed.

A smile is just a frown that's turned upside down,
So smile, and that frown will defrost.
And don't forget to keep your fingers crossed

Notes: Dick Van Dyke sang this once during the TVLand awards.

I hope you enjoyed these. If you know of any others, please let me know.

I Miss James Bond

Bond, James Bond. The name used to conjure up images of a super-spy. A suave gentleman, wearing a tux. Surrounded by women so hot & sexy, you would leave your loved ones behind forever for a shot at one night with them. A spy who used gadgets, cars loaded with goodies like machine guns or oil slicks. It conjured up images of villains with quirks, unique to anything we've seen in any other movie or television show. Yes, James Bond, secret agent 007 who, in a span of 20 films, thrilled us like no other spy ever has before or since.

You may ask, "Aren't there 22 James Bond movies?" Answer: Yes & No. You see James Bond died with the appearance of this man.

I don't know who this man, but he is not James Bond. This man is not suave. He doesn't shake his martinis. He doesn't use gadgets. He doesn't use his brain. He doesn't do anything that James Bond does. You see, I've seen James Bond before. And this man, is no James Bond.

The role of James Bond has gone to 5 people before they decided to kill off the character who was voted the 2nd best character in the history of movies (2nd only behind Indiana Jones). In order there was:

Sean Connery

Sean Connery was the first to jump into the shoes of Ian Flemming's creation on the big screen. He was good looking, suave, athletic & most important, he could act too. The first film was "Dr. No", where many James Bond firsts happened. He said his famous, "Bond, James Bond." line. He started his wise cracks with lines like, "I think they were on their way to a funeral." He had his martinis, "Shaken, not stirred." And he was definitely suave with the ladies. By the second movie, "From Russia With Love", we were introduced to his gadgets & Q, the man behind them. And Bond was on his way. The first film was getting a feel & by the second, Bond was perfect. Sean Connery is Bond. Unfortunately, he didn't stay with the franchise. He left after his fourth film & then came back for the sixth official film, only to leave again after that one. He did come back in 1983 to do an unofficial Bond film called, "Never Say Never Again.", in which he proved he could still play Bond years after he should have been able to.

Next up was George Lazenby

George has the distinction of being the only one to play Bond once on the big screen (unless you count the original Casino Royale). Ian Flemming himself said that Lazenby looked most like what he envisioned Bond to really look like. The movie he was in, "On Her Majesty's Secret Service" was a very good Bond movie. Lazenby played Bond a lot like Connery did. It's kind of a shame that Lazenby only played Bond once. I would have liked to see him in a few more. But since it was Connery who replaced him, I'm fine with it.

Next was Roger Moore

Roger Moore played a spy in the British shows "The Saint" & "The Persuaders". When he became available, he took over the role of Bond. His first film, "Live & Let Die", was one of the best Bond films ever. As the series went on, Roger played Bond a bit less serious. He used more gadgets, he used more "punchlines", but he was still Bond. Roger did 7 Bond films, making him the actor who played Bond the most, unless you count "Never Say Never Again", which would tie him with Connery. In any case, Bond was alive & well. But, next came Timothy Dalton

Now, when Dalton came along, they decided to change Bond a bit. And the way they did it, was to make Bond keep his prick in his pants. Yes, Bond didn't have sex in the two Dalton movies. However, Dalton's Bond was still Bond, even with this change. But still, Bond fans complained about this minor change in the character & Dalton was gone after two films. True, he was only there until Pierce Brosnan was done with his stint on TV as Remington Steele.

So along come Brosnan

Brosnan was everything Bond is supposed to be. Suave, slick, quick with the wit. He used gadgets & had some crazy-ass vehicles, filled with all sort of gadgetry. But, here is where the Bond series started to go downhill. But, it had nothing to do with Brosnan. The first problem was they decided to make "M", the head of MI-6, a woman. Okay, Judi Dench is a great actress. But to see Bond play opposite a woman who was in charge was not natural. She complained about everything Bond did. Everything that made Bond, Bond. You knew trouble was coming in the series when you heard her call Bond a dinosaur. Word is Dench wants to leave the series, but they won't let her go. Even she knows Bond is no longer Bond. The other problem was bad writing. With none of the books to work off of, the movie makers had to come up with their own ideas. Their own villains, plots, gadgets. And this lead to just making some of the worst films in the series. I can honestly say that "The World is Not Enough" & "Die Another Day" are the two worst Bond movies ever made.

So, what happens when Bond can no longer be Bond & be good? Well, you just end the series, right? Wrong. Hollywood doesn't have any new ideas. Hasn't for quite some time. We can't let the 2nd greatest character in film history die with dignity. We must make him re-born! We must take everything that made Bond, Bond & take it away. We must start fresh, forget everything that happened before. Take the 40 years of greatness & treat it like shit. Take the iconic image of Bond & do the complete opposite. So, the first thing they do is get a blond, muscle-bound, muscle-headed dunce. They make Moneypenny, MI-6's secretary a man. They bring Felix Lighter back from the dead & change him into a Dominican. We get it, change EVERYTHING!


Okay, so let's go through it again & compare this time.

Connery: Suave, smart, quick-witted, gadgets, babes, vehicles, shaken not stirred martinis, Bond
Craig: None of the above

Lazenby: Looked like Bond
Craig: Didn't look like Bond

Moore: Less serious, more "punchlines"
Craig: More serious, no "punchlines"

Dalton: Slight change
Craig: Complete change

Brosnan: Change of the Bond world, slightly
Craig: Complete change of the Bond world

Craig's Bond hasn't one iota of the Bond character in him. His world is completely different & Bond himself has become a brute. An uncharismatic bore. A Bond that doesn't use gadgets or his head for that matter. He doesn't like his martini's shaken. Bond villains that are no more memorable than any villain from any other spy movie. There is nothing left of Bond or the Bond world to consider them Bond movies. They play more like a Jason Bourne movie, full of action, but no substance.

And it is because of this, as a Bond fan, that I cannot consider Daniel Craig to be Bond. If you're going to pretend that this is Bond, but forget everything that happened before, then it is a new Bond. A shit Bond. A Bond I could care less about. If there had never been a Bond before & these were the first movies, then I couldn't care less about the character & he would just fade into the back of my brain, where all the other shitty action characters would go. Because that is what "Bond" has become. A shitty action character. Devoid of any personality.

And so, I say again, "I miss James Bond." I wish he were still with us. You see, he died back in 2002. And it's sad to say, he'll never be back. But they do say, "Never say never."