Will they ever make a good Batman movie?

Okay, let's face it. They made too many Batman movies & none of them seem to land within the same universe. From the campy Adam West to the too serious Christian Bale, it almost seems like nobody knows who Batman is, or who he's supposed to be. So let's start at the beginning & move on to the current Batman movie.

Let's start with the Batman Serials from the 1940s. Naturally, these were low budget serials. The ears on Batman's costume looked like they could have used some Viagra on them & the action was typical nonsense. They could have used any hero of the time in his place & it would have wound up the same. Since I consider these to be worthless, I will move on to the next version.

Adam West donned the cowl in 1966 for the famous television series. After the first season, a feature film was released. Now, don't get me wrong, the Adam West Batmans are some of the best things I've ever seen on screen. From the colors to the costumes, this Batman was a sight to see. It was fun, bright, & campy. All the things that Batman is not. Now I can't complain too much. Julie Newmar's tight costume has helped me in those hard situations when my body was changing. And when she wasn't around, there was Yvonne Craig as Batgirl to finish me off, I mean see me through! But the bottom line was, this was not Batman. At least not the Batman from the comics. Although I do have to say one thing about this show. Batman was a detective. Something that almost all the other incarnations of Batman can say. Sure, he did it by using his stupid Bat-Computer, but he still did it. Although I can say that these are the most entertaining Batman films to see, it still is not truly Batman.

Next up, the Tim Burton films. Let me start by saying that I'm not a big fan of Tim Burton. He has great ideas & does great design work. But most of his movies could be bottled as a prescription strength sleeping pill. Boring was a word that is supposed to have a certain level of strength behind it. The creator of the word "boring" had no idea that the word "boring" would not be a strong enough word to hit the level of boring these movies are. Okay, let's start with the first problem; Fucking Beetlejuice is Batman! Mr. Mom is fucking Batman! The pimp from Night Shift is fucking Batman!! When you take the role of Batman, you take 2 roles, Batman & Bruce Wayne. Michael Keaton is good in neither role. He's a skinny little runt that swims inside his rubber suit. And speaking of rubber suits, this was the start of having Batman wear rubber latex suits. When Keaton is wearing his suit, his acting becomes as stiff as the non-turning neck of said rubber suit. Next up are the villains. We have Danny Devito as the Penguin, which sounds like a good idea. Except Tim Burton went ahead & changed the Penguin to suit his twisted, shitty, boring mind. Instead of being the somewhat deformed, yet unbelievably charming Penguin of the comics, he winds up being a deformed, yet unbelievably disgusting, filthy thing! The saving grace of the second movie is Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman. Although she looks like a ripped up latex nightmare, that is probably part of Tim Burton's masturbation sessions (and definitely part of mine ;)), Catwoman winds up as a completely fucked up woman, rather than the cool, calm, sexy cat burglar of the comics. Again Tim Burton fucked it up.

I saved my opinion of Jack Nicholson as the Joker, in Burton's first movie, for now. Reason being, he is perfect & does not fit into the rest of Burton's complete mess of what he thinks Batman is about. It's almost as if Jack said, "Hey Tim, you suck. You make your little movie around me. I'm do my own thing. And if there's a camera there when I'm doing it, you'll be one lucky son of a bitch." Yes, Jack Nicholson's Joker is the first view in film or what a Batman character should be.

Next up, Batman: Mask of the Phantasm, Doc. Now we're talking. This is the closest Batman has come to perfect. The costumes, design, characters, acting, story, everything, just perfect. Almost. The film only has one problem, the villain. They created a villain for the movie, rather than using someone from the comic. Sure, the Joker is in the movie (brilliantly played by Mark Hamill), but he's got to share the movie with the Phantasm. And then the Phantasm winds up being Bruce's girlfriend. Another thing I must comment on, is although this film is practically perfect, it is animated & in a way, cheats at bringing the comic book world to life. This is still the best Batman ever brought to the screen to date.

Tim Burton decides to move on & create even more horrible boring movies, like Ed Wood, Sleepy Hollow & the horrendous remake of the Planet of the Apes. Joel Schumacher (and if you think I spelled that last name without checking it online, you're nuts), directs the next 2 movies. First up, is Batman Forever. Val Kilmer dons the new rubber suit & takes on the role. Even though he is blond, he plays Bruce Wayne very good. It's not every movie series that can take a character that is supposed to have brown hair & put in a blond actor & actually have it work (hear that Bond?), but it works. It works until we see him with his Batman costume on. Christ! Look at his fucking head!! It's the hugest head you've ever seen. And the rubber bounces around on top of his noggin, with hilarious results. Making his first debut in a Batman movie, since the Adam West outing, is the character Robin, the BOY wonder. And I say BOY, because he's supposed to be a BOY! We wind up with Chris O'Donnell, who is twice the size of Batman. Before I continue, I have a question; Where the fuck is Chris O'Donnel? Okay, let's move on. The series starts to become corny. I guess Joel (don't make me type his last name again) decides to go back to being campy, which would be okay if this were 1966 again. Although his movies are 200% more entertaining than Burton's (and 600% less boring), it comes off more of a parody than an actual portrail of Batman.

Let's talk about the villains in the 2 Joel movies.
Jim Carey plays the Riddler. Perfect. He & Nicholson spoke before the movie & Jack told Jim how to act. And Jim, being such a great student, did what he had to. Tommy Lee Jones, on the other hand, did not. Jones plays Two-Face. Before the movie, I saw Jones in an interview. He said his son told him to take the role because he loved Batman. I wonder if his son told him that Two-Face IS NOT THE FUCKING JOKER! Whether it is Jones or Joel's fault, Tommy Lee plays Two-Face completely wrong. He's maniacal, he's over the top, he's not Two-Face! Before I get angry & flip my own coin, let's move on to Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze. He almost pulls it off, but it is ruined, when Freeze decides to have a sing-a-long with his henchmen to the "I'm Mr. White Christmas" Freeze Mizer song. Other than this utterly stupid scene, Arnold is perfect as Freeze & comes across as a real threat at some points. We also have Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy. I can't say anything bad about Uma, as she joined my private collection along with Newmar & Craig. She does an excellent job & ranks up there with Nicholson & Carey. If only the new Batman & Batgirl were doing a good job as well.

George Clooney plays Batman & Wayne in Batman & Robin. Chris O'Donnell is back as Robin, but Val's head exploded & it was such a mess. Anyway George plays it as if he doesn't want to be there. The big talk is that his rubber suit has rubber nipples. They talk about his Bat cock a lot in the interviews. "Yeah, my Bat cock didn't fit in the suit. My Bat cock got in my way all the time. My Bat cock was as stiff as the rest of the Bat suit. Robin loves my Bat cock." Alicia Silverstone joins the cast as Batgirl. Then why is the movie not called "Batman, Robin & Batgirl"? She has nipples too. The saving grace of her character is when she was fingering Poison Ivy & they were deep soul kissing. But other than that, she was utterly usele.....what? That wasn't in this movie? Oh, that's why it sucked. Bane was in the movie too. You know, Bane who is about 8 feet tall & 10 feet wide. He winds up a fat bastard who looks like he's about 5 feet tall. The guy who played him died in real life, so I won't go on about how much he sucked.

The next movie in the series is Batman Begins. Yes, the 5th movie in the series is Batman BEGINS. Okay, I know they wanted to start the series over, I get it. I didn't need you to put it in the title. In fact, it pretty much BEGINS with every fucking movie. Superhero origin movies usually suck, so it was no wonder that this one did too. Christian "crooked mouth" Bale plays Bruce Wayne & Batman. We're still stuck with the rubber suit, which I would have changed, figuring they had the chance to make a change, since this is where Batman BEGINS! The villain in this movie is played by Liam Neeson. We're treated to a good hour of Batman's new origin & his training. Tim Burton is bored. We then see the new Batmotank & Alfred the cockney low-classed butler, played by cockney Michael Caine. Alfred is supposed to be a distinguished man, yet he says things like, "'Ere now Mr. Bruce. Wuh you lahke some lady uh the noite to join you 'dis eve'nin?" Now, I love Michael Caine, but he's not Alfred. There's also another badguy in the film. A character who is so strong in the comics & in the animated tv show, that he could have easily been the main villain of a different Batman movie. With today's special effects, it would be a treat to the eyes & to the Batman series to actually do it. Instead, we get a weak, balloon-headed wimp, who does nothing to our hero that last more than 10 seconds. What a waste of a character. The best part of this film is Gary Oldman as Commissioner Jim Gordon. Oldman can play anything & when he does, it's done perfectly. He's the one shining star in this otherwise bland excuse for a Batman movie.

There is another Batman movie coming out soon. The villain of the movie is played by the recently deceased Heath Ledger. Ledger was a good actor & I'm sure he did his best in the role. Unfortunately, the movie looks like utter crap. I wonder if these movie people have ever read a Batman comic. I see cockney Alfred is back, as is the shit Batmotank. We now have a new Bat Motorcycle, which looks like the shit-box tank, cut in half. Now for all I know, this movie may be good. But I'm sure it won't make my dream of bringing a good Batman movie to the screen a reality. The Joker looks like a guy who is wearing make-up & is sweating it off, rather than the chemically scarred person he's supposed to be. And from what I see in the trailers, it looks like a lot of talk, a lot of Bruce Wayne & just a smidgen of kick-ass action. I hope I'm proven wrong. But this Dark Knight looks like a Dark Dud.

The Top 10 Funniest Scenes in Movie History

1) Smokey meets the Bandit: Smokey & the Bandit

Best quote: "Bank robbin' is baby shit alongside what this dude is doin'!"

Sheriff Buford T. Justice stops by a diner to get a quick meal while chasing the Bandit across the country. Little does he know, but the Bandit is sitting right next to him.

Why it's funny: You can see that Burt Reynolds is fighting back his laughter throughout this entire scene.

2) Puttin' on the Ritz: Young Frankenstein

Best quote: "Puttin' on the RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITZ!"

Proving that not only can he bring the dead back to life, but he can make him into a sophisticated man about town, Dr. Froderick Frankensteen does a song & dance routine with the monster.

Why it's funny: You almost think he pulls it off, until the monster opens his mouth & let's out a hilarious belt.

3) The vomiting guy: Monty Python's Meaning of Life

Best Quote: Waiter: "Ah, good afternoon sir, and how are we today?"
Mr. Creosote: "Better."
Waiter: "Better?"
Mr. Creosote: "Better get a bucket, I'm gonna throw up."

A grotesquely overweight man goes to a restaurant, where he continues to vomit all over the place. At the end of the scene, he explodes.

Why it's funny: The rest of the restaurant acts like nothing is wrong. John Cleese as the waiter actually enjoys serving this gluttonous mess. But that's because he knows what the result is going to be.



4) Springtime For Hitler: The Producers

Best Quote: "Don't be stupid, be a smarty, come & join the Nazi party!"

A scheme is thought up by broke Broadway director Max Bialystock. Let's take in money to produce a play. Make the worst play ever, & have it close on the first night, so we don't have to pay the backers any money back. This is the opening song of the play.

Why it's funny: Played out like an old Busby Birkeley musical number, Springtime for Hitler is actually very entertaining. However, you'd never know it by the crowd's faces. The actual try-out for the singing Hitlers is also up there as a funniest scene as well.
Man tells us his audition song: "The Little Wooden Boy"
(piano intro)
Director: "Thank you!"

5) These go to 11: This is Spinal Tap

Best Quote: "These go to 11."

Nigel Tufnel, lead guitar player for the heavy metal group "Spinal Tap" is proud to show that he has a special amplifier that goes up to 11, rather than 10, which means it's "1" louder than the others. After director Marty DiBergi explains that you could just make 10 the top number, just make it louder, Nigel explains, "These go to 11."

Why it's funny: Because Nigel truly believes that a his amp is louder because it's "1" louder.

6) I was gonna make espresso: Young Frankenstein

Best Quote: "I was gonna make espresso."

Yes, Young Frankenstein makes it into the top 10 funniest scenes again. This time, it is a parody of the scene from "The Bride of Frankenstein", where a blind man shares some time with Frankenstein's monster. The monster (Peter Boyle) meets the blind man (Gene Hackman). After pouring hot soup in his lap & smashing his mug of drink, the blind man decides to smoke cigars with his new friend, which ends up with the monster getting his thumb lit on fire.

Why it's funny: Peter Boyle's expressions as he goes through this painful encounter.

7) The farting scene: Blazing Saddles

Best Quote: "I'd say you had enough beans!"

Just a bunch of guys farting around a campfire.

Why it's funny: Farting is funny. Especially when the farts are obviously made by a bunch of comedy writers around a microphone. It's starts off slow & then escalates into an explosion of farts. Mix in a few burps & you got comedy gold.



8) The Jesus: The Big Lebowski

Best Quote: "Nobody fucks with the Jesus!"

This is actually 2 scenes. There was never a better cameo appearance in another movie as great as John Turturro's appearance as Jesus Quintana. A Latino bowler who doesn't take shit from anyone. The scene here is the second scene, where Jesus is a little upset that they moved his bowling to to Wednesday.

Why it's funny: Because the guy is this serious about fucking bowling!

9) Wrecking the Gas Station: It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World

Best Quote: "Irwin! We're gonna have to kill him!"

This scene actually starts before the clip here. It starts with the meeting of Otto Mayer (Phil Silvers) & Pike (Johnathan Winters). It moves on to where Otto shows up at the gas station in a hurry ("What is this a staring contest? C'mon!") then up to the point where Pike shows up at the station & gets knocked out. And then ends with the great scene of destruction seen here. Enjoy.

Why it's funny: It's total pandemonium.

10) Inspector Clouseau: The Pink Panther series

Best Quote: "Three! My hand is on fire!"

There's no way to choose just one scene from the series. And so, I'm just putting them all here.

Why it's funny: Because Peter Sellers was the funniest person on the face of the Earth.

I could go on all day, listing the scenes, but enjoy this video of some of the best.

Top 10 Most Annoying Cartoon Characters

Cartoon characters can be funny. They can be heroes. And yes, they can be annoying. Here are the most annoying characters in the history of animation.

10) Spongebob Squarepants: Spongebob Squarepants

Spongebob is different than the others on this list for one reason. He was created to be annoying. Even his theme song was created to be loud and obnoxious, so as to wake up parents, as the kids screamed bounced around the room, singing about a freaking sponge! There have been questions about Spongebob's sexuality. People wonder if he is gay. I have the answer. Spongebob is a FUCKING SPONGE!

9) Olive Oyl: Popeye Cartoons

Besides having an annoyingly annoying voice, Olive's sole purpose in her cartoon life is to get Popeye to fight with Bluto. I mean the poor guy's got a fucking eye missing. I don't even think he has any teeth. He's bald smokes a cheap ass corn-cob pipe. Bluto comes along and wants her scrawny ass. He's huge, muscular, has a nice head of hair and can bend steel bars without the aid of a can of spinach. He can get any babe he wants. Yet he wants Miss Stringbean here. She's happy to go with Bluto, but in her evil mind, she knows she's gonna piss Popeye off & force him to chew on that disgusting veggie. He'll then pummel poor Bluto into a pulp. And like a dope, Popeye accepts the fact that she used Bluto to make him jealous. She's evil & annoying. A bad combination.

8) Orbity: The Jetsons

Do you remember the Brady Bunch? Do you remember when the show was nearing the end & they brought in the Brady cousin Oliver? You know, the blond kid with the big glasses. He had smart ass remarks & was un-Brady like in every way. Do you remember what happened to the show after Oliver's first appearance? Yes, it went right down the shitter. Well, in the world of the Jetsons, they had a cousin Oliver & his name was Orbity. Orbity was a little alien that had springs for legs. He made little stupid noises instead of talking. Orbity made his appearance when the Jetsons came back for all new episodes almost 20 years after their first run. The show ran straight for 18 years with only 24 episodes. Yet, they decided that the Jetsons needed a new character to bring it into the "future" of television. Sure, the Jetsons had a pet already, but he was just a dog. A dog that talked! Sure, he talked like he had a mouth full of buffalo balls, but he fucking talked! Orbity couldn't do that. He bounced around & got into trouble. Oh Orbity, you little minx. You're so cute...and annoying.

7) Snarf: Thundercats

Snarf snarf snarf! Snarf Snarf! Yes, if you know the name, you know the annoying way he said "Snarf!" every three seconds. Snarf was the "bodyguard" of a young Lion-o. Lion-O was just a kid, when the show started, but less than an episode later, he would be full grown & become the leader of the Thundercats. Lion-O could kick major ass with his sword, yet Snarf was always there following him around. "Snarf! Snarf snarf!!" There's a famous tape going around of bloopers from the Thundercats. In one of them, Snarf is talking to Lion-O. "But Lion-O, what are we going to do? Snarf!" To which Lion-O answers, "Shut the fuck up." Yes Snarf, shut the fuck up.

6) H.E.R.B.I.E.: The Fantastic Four

Sure, lots of people hate the recent Fantastic Four movies. But you must be thankful that H.E.R.B.I.E. the robot wasn't in either of them. H.E.R.B.I.E. was added to the FF for their 1978 cartoon series. They needed him to replace the Human Torch, as the Torch was going to be used in a separate tv series, which never aired (and not for the rumored reason that little dumb kids would light themselves on fire). H.E.R.B.I.E. stands for Humanoid Experimental Robot B-Type Integrated Electronics. Kind of stupid, isn't it? But not as stupid as H.E.R.B.I.E.. Yes, even the idea of a robot given a Jewish name was not original (Get Smart had Hymie), but I just wonder who decided to replace the Human Torch with a robot. And not even a cool robot. He had no friggin powers!! He floated around and was supposed to be some sort of genius. Excuse me, but Reed Richards is a SUPER-GENIUS!! Annoying & useless.

5) Orko: He-Man & the Masters of the Universe

Okay, so take Snarf. Make him float. Give him a wizards cap & cloak, but take away his face. Now, give him magic powers that are utterly useless. Oh, the hilarity! Oh, the annoyance. Orko had a voice that was kind of like Alvin from the Chipmunks, if Alvin had gargled with liquid helium. Throw in the fact that he was comedy relief that was neither comedy nor relief and you got #5 on the list.

4) Newton: The Mighty Hercules

"What are we gonna do now? What are we gonna do?" The Jimmy Two-Times of the cartoon world. Newton was a centaur who used to follow Hercules around. Naturally, he'd get in trouble and Herc would have to save his horse's ass of an ass. Now sure, we have tons of shows where the comic relief character would have to be saved by the hero, but almost none as annoying as Newton (check out numbers 2 & 1 for the winners in this category). Not only did Newton have this double talk, but he seemed to run into trouble, although he should have seen it right away. Later on in the series, they introduced Newton's partner, Toot. Toot was a satyr who, instead of speaking, would toot on a little pan flute. Now, you would think that Toot would beat Newton when it came to being annoying. But Toot was actually helpful in most cases. Although I will never forgive Toot for the time when he woke up a knocked out Newton, by splashing water in his face, by spitting it out of his flute. Let Newton sleep Toot! Let him sleep!! Trivia: Newton was voiced by Jack Mercer, who also voiced Popeye. Why, Jack, why?

3) Scrappy Doo: The Scooby & Scrappy Doo Puppy Hour

Pu-pu-pu-puppy Power! Pu-pu-pu-piss!!!
Oh look! He looks like Scooby Doo, but smaller! He's cute! Oh, I just want to squeeze him until his fucking eyeballs pop out his head!
Look, everyone hates Scrappy Doo. Jar-Jar Binks hates him. Even Scooby & the Gang hates him. And the reason is simple, he did not partake in the herb! We know Scooby was smoking up! He & Shaggy would go looking for snacks, while Scrappy was just interested in solving the case & kicking ass. The problem was Scrappy just wouldn't mellow out with a few trees. Puff puff puffy power mutha fucka! Every episode I waited for someone to punt that dog like a football. He was even the same color as a football, shit brown!

2) Uni: Dungeons & Dragons

Waaaaaaaaa! I hate Uni. I hate you Uni. I want Uni to die. I want Uni to die a slow painful death. I want them to cut his horn off & impale the little fucker on it. Uni is the champion of annoying characters that would get into trouble to have to be saved by the kids. The whole show was based on the story that the kids were trying to get home to the real world. This fictional piece of shit would constantly ruin their chances, time & time again. He was a mythological creature! Kill him! Kill him!! Right behind Uni was an almost equally annoying character, Bobby. Bobby was a Barbarian. Bobby would do anything to protect this flea ridden diaper eating pointy headed horse. Even ruin the chance for his friends to get back to their homes. Fuck you Bobby, & fuck you Uni.
Die! Die! Die!

1) Lynn Minmei: Robotech

This is her chance to be a star! Lynn Minmei (sometimes spelled Minmay) is the Queen of annoying. Yes, she saved the entire universe from war by singing her heart out for the giant Zentradis. The Zentradis never heard music. And after hearing her sing, I'm still not sure they've heard music yet. When we first meet her, she's a normal teenage girl. If normal means worrying more about getting married & singing than actually figuring out a way not to die aboard a deserted ship out in space. There really is no way to describe the awesomeness of annoying that Minmei somehow pulls off with the same ease that we pull off breathing. The voice that is supposed to soothe the savage beasts sounds very much like if you scraped cat skeletons along a chalk board.
Even when she's not singing, she's complaining about every little thing under the sun. "Ow! That's hot!" , "Oh, that's sharp!", "Oh! That's slimy!" Stop touching shit bitch. Minmei, you truly are in a class you own.

Honorable mentions
The Great Gazoo: The Flintstones

I don't particularly find Gazoo annoying, but it's clear that he was the Orbity of the Flintstones.

Spritle: Speed Racer

I got to give it to Speed. He was still able to win races, even with this fat bastard kid and his smelly monkey hiding in his trunk. And what the fuck is a race car doing with a trunk anyway?

Keyop: Battle of the Planets

In the Japanese version, Keyop could talk normally. But for some reason, in the American Version, Keyop went, "Bee boop! Wheep!"

Special Mention: Frank Welker

Frank Welker is a voice-over artist & a very famous one at that. He's best known as doing the voice of Fred on Scooby Doo. But, there is a darker side. Frank is known for doing voices of characters that don't speak. For example, he does many animal "voices" such as bears, dogs & even eagles. He's very talented. So, why is he in this article?
Because Frank does annoying voices. As it is, he does the voice of 3 of the characters on my list (Orbity, H.E.R.B.I.E. & Uni). But, let me list a few others. He does Dollar the Dog on the Richie Rich show. He does Nibbler on Futurama. He does Curious George's voice. He does Dr. Claw's cat on Inspector Gadget (he also does Dr. Claw), Abu in Aladdin. You get the point. So, here's to you Frank Welker. Keep screeching & scratching your way to the top of the list!

Netfix - The Great Netflix Con Game

Alright, in all fairness, I am now a member of Netflix again. I don't know if they changed their policies, I just know that so far, I am happy. I especially like their ability to watch some movies on their site now. Although you can only do it through Internet Explorer, which means I can't do it on my Mac. But they assure me that by the year 2025, it will be possible to do.

Alright, here's the original article;

"Number One is Customer Service", they proudly claim on their website & in their television commercials. "Just put your movies in your personal queue & you'll receive your DVD in about 1 business day." & "Unlimited rentals!" they proudly claim. Sounds like a great offer, doesn't it? Sounds like they know what they're doing, doesn't it? Well, you have a better shot of getting hit by lightning while holding onto the winning lottery ticket than you have of Netflix living up to any of these claims.

Let's start with customer service. I dare anyone to get in touch with someone at Netflix in under 30 minutes. Go ahead, try. I've tried, believe me. Oh! There's a contact us link on the bottom of the page. That must be it. Let me click it. I'm sure it'll bring me right to an email where someone can actually read what my problem is. *Click* Hmmmmm. Well, it says Contact Us on the top of the page. That's a good sign. Here's what it reads;
"Customer Service The fastest and easiest way to solve your service problems is online through the Your Account and Help sections. If you still need to contact Customer Service, you'll be provided with additional information after doing a search in our Help section." Then it provides the following links.
"Your Account": Report service problems quickly and easily.
"Help": Find answers to all your questions about the Netflix site and service. "

Okay, so my problem is that their service is horrible. It's been over 3 weeks & I have yet to get my next DVD. Well, let me try the "Your Account" link first. *Click* Hmmmm. It's all the information on my account. Okay, since this is utterly useless & once again, has nothing to do with contacting them, let me take their advice they give & look for the contact information under the "Help" link. *Click* Hmmmm. Seems they have a few frequently asked questions (or FAQs for my fellow computer geeks) on the right side of the screen. None of them have anything to do with what I want to do, which is complain about their service. Although at this point, the "How do I cancel my membership?" question is looking good. Well, they also said to use the search feature, so I'll take their advice. Let's see, I'll search for "Your service sucks" & let's see what I get. *Click* A list of related questions comes up. What's that one on top? "How do I contact Customer Service?" Holy crap! It worked! I guess a lot of people search for "your service sucks" at this site, because there it is! Let me click it & I'll send my email & we'll be all set to go. Whoops! A drop down screen came up.
"Most problems can be solved by our extensive online help system at the Help Center. You can obtain instant answers using our Quick Links, or search for help by entering key words or phrases in the Search box." Alright, since your Help Center brought me here, you already know it was useless, so why bother telling me this information? I guess it was in case I just click links blindly. I can also obtain instant answer using their click links? If by instant, you mean you'll be redirected to another page which tells you to go back to the last page, you are correct Netflix. Alright, what else does it say here? "If you're still having trouble, email Customer Service." This is it! I just have to click the "email" link & I'm off! I can tell them they suck! It's almost here! *Click* "Please select a category so we can provide you the fastest service:"
NOOOOOOOO! Are you kidding me?!!! Alright, calm down. The first choice is "Shipping and Receiving Movies". That's what you want, so click it. *Click* HOORAY! This is it! There's my email on top & a large window where I can type. Yes, I can type & tell them they suck balls! Mwhaha! Mwahaha! I'm happy! Yes, I'm an internet geek & I love telling people they suck balls! Especially people cheating me out of my hard earned money. But wait! What's this? A drop down window. Oh, they want to know what my question is about. Okay, drop down bitch, where is the "your service sucks balls" choice? It's not there. Okay, so I must choose "other". I wonder how many questions the guy who answers the "other" questions, are just people telling them their service sucks. So, I send off my angry email & click send. I'm sure I'll hear back from them as soon as possible. I'm sure I'll be credited for their horrible service. maybe they'll even give me a free month of rentals! Yeah, sure. They're number one in customer service because nobody wants to go through the bullshit of figuring how to send them a "you suck balls" email.

Now, what led me to spend all this time to send them an angry email that will resolve nothing? An email which will be tossed aside into the "We're number one in service, so we can't bother with negative emails" pile. Well, I already told you that I haven't gotten a DVD in 3 weeks. So, let me explain how it's supposed to work, using the way they advertise it. To use Netflix, you choose a shit-load of movies & add them to your queue. The movie or movies at the top of your queue are mailed to you & get to you the next day. You watch the movie & place it in a pre-paid envelope & mail it back to them. When they get the movie back the following day, they send the next movie on your queue. It's that easy. And if you sign up with Netflix, they usually give you the first 2 weeks for free, as a trial. During that 2 weeks, you will receive perfect service. The movie will always get to you the following day. Always. After that, you're on your own.

So, here's how it went down. Netflix sent me one of my movies on Thursday. It was supposed to get there Friday. Well, Friday's mail comes & there's no movie in my mailbox. So, I go to Netflix to see if something was wrong. Nope, Friday it says. Hmmmm. Oh wait, there's a "report a shipping problem" link next to the movie. *Click* A list of possible problems comes up. There's the one I want, "my DVD hasn't arrived". I highlight that & click next. It tells me that I have to wait 3 days to mark the movie lost in the mail, meaning I have to wait for Sunday to mark it missing. Now Sunday, there is no mail, so I really have to wait until Monday. Sure enough, Monday comes & my DVD still doesn't arrive. So, I go to the "report a problem" section & click that the DVD hasn't arrived. So, Netflix tells me that a replacement will be sent out that day. I go about my business that day & then check on the status of the DVD. I figure it went out Monday & will be there Tuesday. Now figuring the last DVD I had before this I had gotten on the Tuesday before, it makes it a week since I got a movie from Netflix. Well, it would have been a week, IF I had gotten my movie on Tuesday.

I check the Netflix website & look at my queue. Now my "Netflix will ship you out your next title today" message has been replaced with "Shipping tomorrow". WTF? Did I just get lied to...by a web site? I know it wasn't a real person who lied to me, as any trip through the "contact us" link to actually find a real person proves that the entire system is run by HAL from 2001. Okay, maybe I marked it missing too late for their daily mail. Yeah, that's it. So, it'll go out tomorrow & I'll get it the following day. Just relax. You'll get it soon & it'll all go back to normal. The next day I wake up & turn on my computer. Let me make sure that my movie is going out today. No. No. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! WTF?!!?!?! "Shipping tomorrow"!!!! I'm cursed! Doomed! Laughed at by an evil computer who doesn't even have emotion. He could read my lips in the pod! He read my lips!! I fall to my bed & pass out. I awake the next day. I know it's the next day as my morning coffee from the day before now has white floating things in it. The coffee is cold & tastes like it's been strained through an old shoe. You know the taste, like the way Starbuck's coffee tastes fresh. I pour it into my toilet & it makes a loud clump. Anyway, since my computer is still on, I decide to hit refresh on the Netflix site.

A smile cracks my face as I read the words, "Your movie has shipped". Ah, yes. My movie will be here tomorrow. I will watch it & return it for my next one. Everything's gonna be alright. Yes, alright. It says my movie has shipped today, Wednesday & will be arriving at my house on Saturday. Perfect, Saturday. I will watch my.....? Huh? Did that say Saturday? My eyes jump back to the arrival date. Saturday! My fist slams into my computer screen. Crack! my hand says. I pull my hand back in pain & look at the screen again. My fist did not change the date. I feel my eyes welling up. I don't know if it's the pain in my hand or the fact that I've been raped by an online rental company. What happened to Netflix's promise? What happened to their advertising plus that they delivered the next business day? Now, I was being lied to by humans. Now, remember I haven't had a movie of theirs in my house for over a week. It would be under two weeks if it got here on Saturday. Want to make a bet if it showed up on Saturday?

Saturday comes & no little red envelope comes. Am I supposed to wait 3 days to mark it late? It already took 3 extra days for no explained reason at all in the first place. But I'm a big man. Let me play by their rules so they can't complain to me. Well, Sunday there's no mail, so I was expecting the movie on Monday. Well, I might as well expected a Victoria Secret model to show up at my house screaming about needing sex right now than that movie showing up Monday. Tuesday, same deal. Luckily now I can mark it missing. I mark it missing & they ship out a replacement that day. I don't understand the difference why it went out right away, but it did. Well, let's skip ahead 4 days, because that was the day that I marked this movie missing as well. Now, when you mark a movie missing, they give a warning that too many missing movies will be investigated & your account will be put on hold. First off, I'm asking for the same movie to be replaced. Why the hell would I want mulitple copies of the same movie? Idiots. Second of all, for all I know, they're not sending the movies out at all. The beginning of the con at work. More on that later.

Anyway, I decide that the Dark Side of the Force is the one who doesn't want me to have this DVD. So, instead of a replacement this time, I ask for a different movie. It's Saturday, so the movie won't get to my place until Monday. Another delay thanks to this "day of rest" bullshit. Monday comes & I'm waiting out front for my mail. I see him. The messenger with a message for the King. Driving his little shit-box car/truck thingy. He pulls up right in front of my house. He knew I was waiting for him! He walks slowly to my steps & kneels before me, handing me the message in it's crimson wrapping. I kick him in his head, just to keep him in line. I excuse him & slam the door in his face. I open the envelope. There it is! The movie that took almost 2 weeks to show up! I turn on my TV. A loud "Frt!" sound tells me it's turning on. I don't even wait to see a picture before I open my DVD player's tray & lay the DVD in it's perfectly shaped cradle. I close the tray & my TV lights up the room! My DVD's title screen displays SONY DVD & a message says "loading" on the front of the player itself. I sit down, remote in hand. Suddenly, a message pops up on the screen, "The disk is dirty & cannot be played". My jaws hits my chest, cracking one of my bottom teeth. I jump up & eject the disk.

I flip it over thinking maybe there's just a little smudge on it. I'll just clean it & it'll work. What I saw was a vast highway of scratches going every which way across the entire back of the DVD. It read like a GPS map telling me how to drive from New York to Singapore. I whip out my cleaning fluid & spray it. I gently take a soft cloth, made for cleaning DVDs & wipe off the fluid. The scratches are still there, but now they're clean scratches. I place the DVD back in the player. No good. I run downstairs & pop it into my second DVD player. Same deal. I pop it in my computer, who's DVD Rom has been able to read DVDs that have been sand blasted. It makes a tick, tick, tick noise & fails to read. I take the disc & want to break it in half. I go to Netflix & "report a problem", telling them the DVD is scratched & won't work. They will send out a replacement....tomorrow. Now, I would like to tell you the end of my tale of woe & cons, but it hasn't ended yet. See, Netflix didn't send out the replacement the next day. They sent it out on Wednesday. Yes, I know it's Friday, so it must be by my house, right? HAHA! No, it's not. See, not only did they delay a day before sending it out, but it's going to take 3 days to get here. So, when I don't get it tomorrow, I'll have to wait for Monday to mark it missing. And we'll start it all over again. Luckily, the end of the month is coming up & I still remember where that "cancel my membership" link was. Hopefully, it won't bring me to another 5 pages before I can cancel their "service".

NETFLIX THE CON!!! Now, we come to the last part. The "Unlimited Rentals" you get from Netflix. Lies! All lies! You will never, ever, never ever, get unlimited rentals from Netflix. Hidden deep within Netflix's contract is a clause made for them. In this clause they say that they can hold back rentals from you if they feel they are sending you too many per month. I guess my 0 movies this month is too much for them. By the way, holding back can mean waiting extra days to ship it to you, or taking extra days to get to you. Now, their reasoning must mean that I am getting too many rentals & getting my money's worth from them. They'd rather have you casually get a movie, wait a few days to watch it & then, get the next one. Which, if you've got half a brain (even computerized), you would realize is worse for business than a renter who watches a movie & sends it right back. See, that movie is back & ready for the next renter. While a casual watcher is holding a movie that could be sent to the next renter. But all that doesn't matter either, as Netflix also has a habit of skipping your top movie in your queue for one that is a little less popular. Next to your movie, you'll be told if the movie is available, or if it's on a long list & you have to wait for it. This doesn't matter, as it's up to Netflix to decide.

So, let's recap. #1: Number one in customer service. Laughable. Maybe the worst business I've ever dealt with.
#2: Ships in about one business day. Pissing your pants laughable. Making you wait extra days before sending it out & then 3 days to get to you, is not "about" one business day.
#3: Unlimited rentals. A flat out lie & a con. They control & hold back whenever & as often as they want. That is not unlimited, it is LIMITED!

So, the NetFIX is in. Someone once said you get fucked at the drive-through. Well, that is nothing compared to the ass-rape you get from Netflix over the internet.