How To Make a Bullshit Ghost Hunting Show

We all know that those ghost hunting shows are bullshit, right? Oh, you don't know... Hmmmmm. Well, maybe I can convince you that they are. In fact, maybe I can teach you how to fool others, just like every one of those shows does & make some money doing it to others. 16 simple rules you can use to "Make Your Own Bullshit Ghost Hunting Show".

1. Always shoot at night, in the dark, with night-vision cameras.
The main thing you want to do when creating a ghost show is to scare people. Sure, you can hide behind the guise that you're doing it for scientific reasons to prove the existence of ghosts. But you know damn well the watchers are just looking to be scared. And how scary is it to shoot during daylight? So be sure to tell your audience that they say ghosts are more active during night time hours & in total darkness. This will give you the excuse of shooting in the dark with night-vision cameras, which will give you the spookiness you're looking for. And speaking of the people who tell you that ghosts are more active during night time hours....

2. Always use "They" as explanations for everything.
"They" say ghosts come out in the dark. "They" say an EMF detector can detect ghosts. "They" say you can record ghost voices on tape. "They" say ghosts use our energy to manifest themselves. And so on & so forth. Who are "They"? It can be anyone you want it to be, as long as you're passing along the idea that what you're doing is actually doing something.

3. Interview people before you hunt.
Chances are if you interview people at a place that they think is haunted, they will have at least one ghostly experience to tell you about. Interview a bunch of people who live(d)/work(ed) there & you'll be loaded with an arsenal of ideas that you can use during your hunt. Listen to the story of how a woman was beaten & tortured & finally killed in a certain room & later, you'll catch an EVP (electronic voice phenomena) of a woman's voice or scream in the same room. And by catch, I mean fake. Listen to another person tell you of how they felt an unseen entity grab their arm & later, your arm gets "grabbed". So simple. The person you interview may also give you names of people who have died in the place, giving you a name that can magically appear on one of your EVP recordings. This also takes away the task of actually coming up with your own ghost or the embarrassment of coming up with a ghost of a person that never existed.

4. Give suggestions to the people you interview as well.
This goes along with #3. While interviewing people, throw out suggestions to them like, "Were you ever hit with a thrown object?" or "Were you ever touched?" This actually gives suggestions to the people you're interviewing to make up stories of experiences, thus giving you more ideas for your "ghosts".

5. "Feel" the ghost's presence.
Since the watcher cannot feel any of the energy or temperature changes that supposedly happen during ghost encounters, it's easy to just say you're feeling such things. "Whoah! Right here it's very cold! You know they say that when a ghost manifests, it gets very cold!" Yeah, throw in another "They" to make it sound more official. Well, as official as ghost hunting can be. It's also very simple to give someone a suggestion that an area has gotten cold. Sometimes ghost hunters will use this while interviewing the people mentioned in #3 & #4. I've actually done this myself during a visit to a "haunted" building during a ghost tour. I was in a group of about 20 people in a room, listening to the "psychic" tell us stories of the people who have died in the room & pointing towards a window I was sitting next to telling the room that people have actually seen a face at this window, even though we were on the second floor. After her bullsh...I mean stories, she asked the party to move into the next room. At this point, I started to pass my hand around the chair I was just sitting on. I said, "Wow! It's really cold here!" I pointed at a couple that were sitting on the other side of the window & said, "Feel this! Wow! It's cold!" They came over & started to pass their hands through the air above the chair. "Whoah! It is cold!" they both said. After a few seconds, I said to them. "Actually, I was just kidding. I wanted to show you the power of suggestion. I apologize if I offended you." And they said, "No, it really is cold here! Feel it!" I passed my hand through & there was no coldness. Yet, they felt it.

6. Get "feelings" or even "possessed".
This goes along with #5, but instead of feeling a physical change, it's a psychological change. This may be the easiest way to fake a spirit. All it takes is a bit of acting. Walk into a room & suddenly feign a headache coming on. Crouch down & start to feel a great sadness overcome you or have a great anger come over you, causing you to punch the wall. Punching hard enough to draw blood is even better. This proves you weren't acting in your right mind, right?

Some hunters will go as far as to become "possessed". This is a little harder & needs a little more studying up on the place you're hunting at & requires better acting skills. British "psychic" Derek Acorah was fairly good at being "possessed". The British "medium" would get possessed by a spirit almost every episode of the show "Most Haunted". And he would have gotten away with it, if not for the meddling show host Yvette Fielding & supposed parapsychologist Ciaran O'Keeffe. See Yvette & Derek started to hate each other. Yvette wanted Derek off the show. So what better way to do it, than to prove Derek a fake. So Ciaran set up the name of a supposed person who died in the place they were going to visit next. The name was "Kreed Kafer" an anagram of "faker Derek". And when Derek was "possessed" by this fake spirit, it sealed his fate & he left the show. This was genius on the part of Fielding, as proving fakes makes her fakes seem real. Which brings us to #7.

7. Sometimes, don't find anything.
It's very simple. If you find something all the time, people will think you're faking it. I don't think there's an official ratio as to how many places are to be haunted as opposed to places not haunted. I would say it should be around 6 to 1. For every 6 haunted places, have 1 non-haunted place. This will make the situations where you "find" something seem more plausible. It also gives some validity to your "scientific" equipment. And that brings us to #8.

8. Use equipment not designed for ghost hunting to "prove" the existence of ghosts.
EMF detectors are designed to find invisible electro-magnetic fields. Finding these fields is great for finding areas in a household where these fields can interfere with other electronic equipment. Everything gives off electro-magnetic fields. Some stronger than others. And these fields can fluctuate from strong to weak all the time. Nature itself gives off these fields. But explain to the audience that "They" say ghosts give off these fields & that nothing in the area of the place you're at can give off these fields, while holding $3000 worth of electronic equipment. Other pieces of equipment you can use are laser thermometers, because "They" say ghosts can lower temperatures, an infra-red or ultra-violet camera, because "They" say ghosts appear in these waves of the spectrum. Or a thermal camera, because "They" say that ghosts can appear as a different temperature in an area. Usually they appear warmer than the surrounding air. Shhhh, don't tell them they're supposed to be colder. Speaking of equipment...

9. Always use digital recording.
The greatest recording medium for ghost hunting is digital. Why? Because it's compressed. Bring some real shitty black & white static cameras & record it on security camera quality recorders & you can catch all sorts of stuff. See, when you're recording in digital you get lovely changing pixels all over your screen, especially in the dark areas, but sometimes even the areas that are too bright. Perfect for ghost recordings. These areas are called artifacts. When using lower quality recordings, digital recorders can't process the darks, as they are called, and fill in these areas with what the processors think should appear there, using surrounding areas as reference. This cause all sorts of wonderful shapes & movements. All of which can be called ghosts, if you want. And if you want to have a successful bullshit ghost hunting show, you do.

10. "Suggest" what EVPs are saying by putting text on your screen.
Speaking of recordings, ghost hunters like to use EVPs to prove the existence of ghosts. One show, "Ghost Adventures" relies on EVPs for 99% of their "proof". EVP is short for electronic voice phenomenon. It's the recoding of spirit voices. Back in the 50s, EVPs were believed to just be recordings of energy left behind by the dead. But now a days, EVPs are said to be actual answers by intelligent ghosts responding to questions or situations given to them by the hunters themselves. No matter where you are, if you record sound, there will always be background noises. Whether this be from breathing of the hunter & the crew, creaking from doors or settling of houses, outside animals & traffic, you will always catch noises. So, what do you do when you catch the sound of a creaking door? Flash up on the screen "strange unidentified woman screaming". Catch a heavy sigh of your breath, flash up "demonic breathing". Step on a loose board & it sounds like "Brrreeeeearrrrrrrr", flash up "Burn in Hell". You get the idea. Putting these words up on the screen while playing the noise will suggest to the watcher that the noise is what you say it is. People are easily fooled, use it to your advantage. And if you want to fool them even more...

11. Create your own ghosts.
Besides "catching" ghosts by EVP noises & shitty digital recordings, you can also create your own! EVPs can be created on spot by whispering. Whispers cannot be recognized as a specific person, which is why it's perfect to whisper when calling in that ransom call or for creating ghostly EVPs. Hell, you can even whisper without moving your lips, like a ventriloquist. Try it now. See? So what if it doesn't sound exactly like what you're saying? You got the power of text on the screen to tell the audience what they're hearing. As for ghostly images, this may even be done unintentionally. When cameras are set up all over an area, especially ones with infra-red beams shooting all over the place, it's easy for your shadow to appear as a ghostly image. And if all else fails, you can add these things later. After all, the show is not live. It's recorded. It's so easy to be on-site & say, "Did you hear that?" & later on your computer, add a voice saying, "Hey you! Get outta my kitchen!" And speaking of doing a live show...

12. Never do a live show.
Most ghost shows make this mistake. Usually on Halloween night, you can catch either "The Ghost Hunters" or "Ghost Adventures" airing a special live show. During these shows, they will always catch something. You know why? Because they're faking it. Now, you would think that having a live show & catching something live would prove what their doing is worth the their time & not wasting yours. But, what usually happens is they usually get caught faking on these shows. Avid skeptics will watch these shows & study it & I'd say more than half the times, catch the hunters fakery. One prime example is the show "Ghost Hunters", which airs on the SCIENCE-FICTION channel. This should be your first tip. But during one of their live shows, the two main hosts were caught setting up a hoax, on camera, where one of the host's jacket would look like it was being pulled backwards by an unseen hand. Later in the episode, a celebrity guest hears the host's earpieces where the show's producer was giving them instructions on their next hoax. The celebrity said he heard a strange voice. Knowing they were caught, the hosts played it off like he wasn't hearing anything, but it was too late. In fact, the TV microphones themselves were sensitive enough to hear the producer's voice through the earpieces. So, while having a live show can be good, it can also backfire. It's best to avoid them all together.

13. Use "psychics" & other Paranormal Investigators.
Look, they all know it's bullshit, so they're going to play along with you. You can give them suggestions, just like the people you interviewed earlier & they'll not only go along, they may even give you some suggestions themselves. It's a win-win situation. Also, by having other "experts" along with you, it gives your bullshit a little more validity.

14. Make noises & throw small objects.
This is so easy, a caveman can do it. Sorry to remind you of those horrible commercials. When investigating a "haunted" place, it'll be easy to find small rocks all around the crumbling place. Just pick a few up here & there. When it gets too quiet or boring, throw one. Make sure not to film the rock, as that will show it came from you. Just throw it behind you or to the side or hit your friend in the leg. No matter where it lands, it'll make some noise & you can act like it almost hit you or whatever kind of scary nonsense you can make up. Even better, if you can find maybe a 2 by 4 piece of wood & toss it into an adjoining room, it'll make a hell of a lot of noise. Bring lots of fishing line & pull objects over & onto the floor. Whatever can make noise will work best.

15. Play spooky music or weird sounds.
This will make any situation seem more haunted than it really is. If you play circus music, no one will be scared (unless it's scary circus music). And nothing will creep people out, more than weird sounds. Some people will even think the sounds are coming from the place itself.

16. Never admit orbs are dust.
This is the final step for creating a great bullshit ghost hunting show. Orbs. Orbs are said to be a spirit in ball form. They appear in pictures & on video. They float through the air & move around. They appear & disappear in thin air. And, they're all dust. A ghost hunters best friend is dust. And why shouldn't it be? It can be passed off as a ghost. Once again, digital cameras will help you with orbs as orbs appear mostly with digital photography. Now, here's the trick. Trying to convince your orbs are not dust. You would think it's hard to do this, but it's fairly easy. Just like #7, sometimes don't find anything, you show some orbs, but tell people it's dust. Make up some nonsense explanation that dust moves in a straight line or that it's always visible, then show another film, showing a lone piece of dust & explain how it's movement is different, even though it's the same. Shooting in the dark with night-vision is great too, as the invisible light that the camera gives off, doesn't cover all of the area you're filming. Thus, when a piece of dust comes into that light, from the dark edges or far area of the room, it'll appear as if it manifested from thin air. And when it exits the light, you can say the spirit has just disappeared.

Well, I hope this guide helps you. I'm sure if you do create a show, it'll get picked up. Every time you turn around, there's another one on some channel that has nothing to do with ghosts. I think there's even an animal-ghost show on Animal Channel now. Apparently people watch these shows a lot. Hell, I even watch a couple of them for entertainment value only (well, and to write an entry for my blog too). The sad thing is I know that most people watching these shows believe in ghosts. But like I said before, people are easily fooled. Instead of being fooled, be a fooler. There are no such things as psychics, there are no such things as ghost hunters, & there certainly are no such things as ghosts.