Will they ever make a good Batman movie?

Okay, let's face it. They made too many Batman movies & none of them seem to land within the same universe. From the campy Adam West to the too serious Christian Bale, it almost seems like nobody knows who Batman is, or who he's supposed to be. So let's start at the beginning & move on to the current Batman movie.

Let's start with the Batman Serials from the 1940s. Naturally, these were low budget serials. The ears on Batman's costume looked like they could have used some Viagra on them & the action was typical nonsense. They could have used any hero of the time in his place & it would have wound up the same. Since I consider these to be worthless, I will move on to the next version.

Adam West donned the cowl in 1966 for the famous television series. After the first season, a feature film was released. Now, don't get me wrong, the Adam West Batmans are some of the best things I've ever seen on screen. From the colors to the costumes, this Batman was a sight to see. It was fun, bright, & campy. All the things that Batman is not. Now I can't complain too much. Julie Newmar's tight costume has helped me in those hard situations when my body was changing. And when she wasn't around, there was Yvonne Craig as Batgirl to finish me off, I mean see me through! But the bottom line was, this was not Batman. At least not the Batman from the comics. Although I do have to say one thing about this show. Batman was a detective. Something that almost all the other incarnations of Batman can say. Sure, he did it by using his stupid Bat-Computer, but he still did it. Although I can say that these are the most entertaining Batman films to see, it still is not truly Batman.

Next up, the Tim Burton films. Let me start by saying that I'm not a big fan of Tim Burton. He has great ideas & does great design work. But most of his movies could be bottled as a prescription strength sleeping pill. Boring was a word that is supposed to have a certain level of strength behind it. The creator of the word "boring" had no idea that the word "boring" would not be a strong enough word to hit the level of boring these movies are. Okay, let's start with the first problem; Fucking Beetlejuice is Batman! Mr. Mom is fucking Batman! The pimp from Night Shift is fucking Batman!! When you take the role of Batman, you take 2 roles, Batman & Bruce Wayne. Michael Keaton is good in neither role. He's a skinny little runt that swims inside his rubber suit. And speaking of rubber suits, this was the start of having Batman wear rubber latex suits. When Keaton is wearing his suit, his acting becomes as stiff as the non-turning neck of said rubber suit. Next up are the villains. We have Danny Devito as the Penguin, which sounds like a good idea. Except Tim Burton went ahead & changed the Penguin to suit his twisted, shitty, boring mind. Instead of being the somewhat deformed, yet unbelievably charming Penguin of the comics, he winds up being a deformed, yet unbelievably disgusting, filthy thing! The saving grace of the second movie is Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman. Although she looks like a ripped up latex nightmare, that is probably part of Tim Burton's masturbation sessions (and definitely part of mine ;)), Catwoman winds up as a completely fucked up woman, rather than the cool, calm, sexy cat burglar of the comics. Again Tim Burton fucked it up.

I saved my opinion of Jack Nicholson as the Joker, in Burton's first movie, for now. Reason being, he is perfect & does not fit into the rest of Burton's complete mess of what he thinks Batman is about. It's almost as if Jack said, "Hey Tim, you suck. You make your little movie around me. I'm do my own thing. And if there's a camera there when I'm doing it, you'll be one lucky son of a bitch." Yes, Jack Nicholson's Joker is the first view in film or what a Batman character should be.

Next up, Batman: Mask of the Phantasm, Doc. Now we're talking. This is the closest Batman has come to perfect. The costumes, design, characters, acting, story, everything, just perfect. Almost. The film only has one problem, the villain. They created a villain for the movie, rather than using someone from the comic. Sure, the Joker is in the movie (brilliantly played by Mark Hamill), but he's got to share the movie with the Phantasm. And then the Phantasm winds up being Bruce's girlfriend. Another thing I must comment on, is although this film is practically perfect, it is animated & in a way, cheats at bringing the comic book world to life. This is still the best Batman ever brought to the screen to date.

Tim Burton decides to move on & create even more horrible boring movies, like Ed Wood, Sleepy Hollow & the horrendous remake of the Planet of the Apes. Joel Schumacher (and if you think I spelled that last name without checking it online, you're nuts), directs the next 2 movies. First up, is Batman Forever. Val Kilmer dons the new rubber suit & takes on the role. Even though he is blond, he plays Bruce Wayne very good. It's not every movie series that can take a character that is supposed to have brown hair & put in a blond actor & actually have it work (hear that Bond?), but it works. It works until we see him with his Batman costume on. Christ! Look at his fucking head!! It's the hugest head you've ever seen. And the rubber bounces around on top of his noggin, with hilarious results. Making his first debut in a Batman movie, since the Adam West outing, is the character Robin, the BOY wonder. And I say BOY, because he's supposed to be a BOY! We wind up with Chris O'Donnell, who is twice the size of Batman. Before I continue, I have a question; Where the fuck is Chris O'Donnel? Okay, let's move on. The series starts to become corny. I guess Joel (don't make me type his last name again) decides to go back to being campy, which would be okay if this were 1966 again. Although his movies are 200% more entertaining than Burton's (and 600% less boring), it comes off more of a parody than an actual portrail of Batman.

Let's talk about the villains in the 2 Joel movies.
Jim Carey plays the Riddler. Perfect. He & Nicholson spoke before the movie & Jack told Jim how to act. And Jim, being such a great student, did what he had to. Tommy Lee Jones, on the other hand, did not. Jones plays Two-Face. Before the movie, I saw Jones in an interview. He said his son told him to take the role because he loved Batman. I wonder if his son told him that Two-Face IS NOT THE FUCKING JOKER! Whether it is Jones or Joel's fault, Tommy Lee plays Two-Face completely wrong. He's maniacal, he's over the top, he's not Two-Face! Before I get angry & flip my own coin, let's move on to Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze. He almost pulls it off, but it is ruined, when Freeze decides to have a sing-a-long with his henchmen to the "I'm Mr. White Christmas" Freeze Mizer song. Other than this utterly stupid scene, Arnold is perfect as Freeze & comes across as a real threat at some points. We also have Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy. I can't say anything bad about Uma, as she joined my private collection along with Newmar & Craig. She does an excellent job & ranks up there with Nicholson & Carey. If only the new Batman & Batgirl were doing a good job as well.

George Clooney plays Batman & Wayne in Batman & Robin. Chris O'Donnell is back as Robin, but Val's head exploded & it was such a mess. Anyway George plays it as if he doesn't want to be there. The big talk is that his rubber suit has rubber nipples. They talk about his Bat cock a lot in the interviews. "Yeah, my Bat cock didn't fit in the suit. My Bat cock got in my way all the time. My Bat cock was as stiff as the rest of the Bat suit. Robin loves my Bat cock." Alicia Silverstone joins the cast as Batgirl. Then why is the movie not called "Batman, Robin & Batgirl"? She has nipples too. The saving grace of her character is when she was fingering Poison Ivy & they were deep soul kissing. But other than that, she was utterly usele.....what? That wasn't in this movie? Oh, that's why it sucked. Bane was in the movie too. You know, Bane who is about 8 feet tall & 10 feet wide. He winds up a fat bastard who looks like he's about 5 feet tall. The guy who played him died in real life, so I won't go on about how much he sucked.

The next movie in the series is Batman Begins. Yes, the 5th movie in the series is Batman BEGINS. Okay, I know they wanted to start the series over, I get it. I didn't need you to put it in the title. In fact, it pretty much BEGINS with every fucking movie. Superhero origin movies usually suck, so it was no wonder that this one did too. Christian "crooked mouth" Bale plays Bruce Wayne & Batman. We're still stuck with the rubber suit, which I would have changed, figuring they had the chance to make a change, since this is where Batman BEGINS! The villain in this movie is played by Liam Neeson. We're treated to a good hour of Batman's new origin & his training. Tim Burton is bored. We then see the new Batmotank & Alfred the cockney low-classed butler, played by cockney Michael Caine. Alfred is supposed to be a distinguished man, yet he says things like, "'Ere now Mr. Bruce. Wuh you lahke some lady uh the noite to join you 'dis eve'nin?" Now, I love Michael Caine, but he's not Alfred. There's also another badguy in the film. A character who is so strong in the comics & in the animated tv show, that he could have easily been the main villain of a different Batman movie. With today's special effects, it would be a treat to the eyes & to the Batman series to actually do it. Instead, we get a weak, balloon-headed wimp, who does nothing to our hero that last more than 10 seconds. What a waste of a character. The best part of this film is Gary Oldman as Commissioner Jim Gordon. Oldman can play anything & when he does, it's done perfectly. He's the one shining star in this otherwise bland excuse for a Batman movie.

There is another Batman movie coming out soon. The villain of the movie is played by the recently deceased Heath Ledger. Ledger was a good actor & I'm sure he did his best in the role. Unfortunately, the movie looks like utter crap. I wonder if these movie people have ever read a Batman comic. I see cockney Alfred is back, as is the shit Batmotank. We now have a new Bat Motorcycle, which looks like the shit-box tank, cut in half. Now for all I know, this movie may be good. But I'm sure it won't make my dream of bringing a good Batman movie to the screen a reality. The Joker looks like a guy who is wearing make-up & is sweating it off, rather than the chemically scarred person he's supposed to be. And from what I see in the trailers, it looks like a lot of talk, a lot of Bruce Wayne & just a smidgen of kick-ass action. I hope I'm proven wrong. But this Dark Knight looks like a Dark Dud.